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For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a satisfying life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It annoys my family and friends and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still value life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that therapy might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or being seen, by recognizing perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and anxiety.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This approach will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.